When You Are Winning, and It Doesn’t Feel Like It!

When my daughter was 6 weeks old, she got RSV. We spent 10 days in the hospital with her, and it was the worst 10 days of my life! The moment her oxygen levels crashed, doctors rushed in, and she turned blue was a nightmare!  When we finally got discharged I thought that chapter had closed, but little did I know we were just getting started.

I got home to my son who was only about a month away from being two. He had not been with his parents in over a week and was having a majorly, hard time adjusting. The doctors were very clear with me that my daughter couldn’t get sick again during the cold and flu season. Well, multiple doctors, because I got multiple opinions because I didn’t want it to be true. This basically meant we were on house arrest till the season passed.

I have never really known what it meant to “give my all to something.”  Y'all, I thought I had done this, but I just hadn’t. God calls us to give Him everything. To love so deeply, the way He loves. I never knew what that was! At least, not until I spent three months at home with two kids under the age of two. Now I can honestly say that I have given everything, in love, to my family.

I knew when I made the decision to be a stay at home mom that it was what God wanted me to do.  It was something I never wanted to do, and He softened my heart to the idea, slowly over time. He allowed me to get pregnant with my daughter right as I got laid off from work. My husband and I had spent the previous three months living off his salary only to see if we could make it. I mean His direction was pretty clear. However, at the time I had no idea what He was really calling me to do. In fact, I didn’t even give it the recognition it deserved by describing it as a “calling” or even a “ministry.”  In fact, sometimes I looked at it as a negative thing, like I stayed at home because I couldn’t juggle it all.   

As I stayed home with my colic, super attached (rightful so) infant and my transitioning to two, year old, regressing toddler... God was molding me. Y’all, it was PAINFUL! I knew what it felt like at the end of the day to really and truly have nothing else to give.  I thought I had experienced this feeling before, but I hadn’t.  It reminded me of a quote my old boss (shout out!) loved:

 

I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.
— Vince Lombardi

So, why didn’t I feel like I was winning? Victorious … yah, right! I saw failures and pain all over the place. Winning… ha… I just wanted a shower! The word winning never even crossed my mind. I was losing, every day, all the small battles… or that is how I saw it.

BUT this quote is right. I was winning! I was doing what God had called me to do. I was loving my kids well, even in the tough spots. This is my finest hour… the time I gave up everything for those I loved.

So, why doesn’t it feel this way?

Because the devil HATES a “winner.” The devil hates to see anyone fulfilling God’s purpose for their life. He really hates it, so he tries to stop it.

Just like that quote says… at the end of the day…. I was laying on the battlefield exhausted. Here is the devil’s opportunity. I am tired, like really tired.  Here is his chance to tear down my self-worth, my marriage, and accomplishments. He was breeding depression, discontentment, and anger.

So, to all the moms out there who are giving it all to their families, who are exhausted at the end of each day, who feel like they have no more love to give … you are winning!  This your finest hour.  You are doing God’s work. When you do get those rare moments alone and your blood begins to boil, or you feel like you have completely lost sight of who you are, know that you are a child of God. Do not believe the lies the devil is telling you.

You are doing His work, and He didn’t promise us it would be easy. You are winning, you are winning.